my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
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