I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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