His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
