Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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