There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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