but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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