so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
