New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
