Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
So squirting runs in the family.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
