and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
