he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
