I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize