im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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