And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
it was like his penis was on wheels.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize