dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
