onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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