Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
