Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
