i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
