I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
