Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize