Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I wish I could teleport
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
