Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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