david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
