What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
