she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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