She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
