Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize