we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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