i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
