I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
