Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
