So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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