My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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