having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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