the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize