I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
