I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
