The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
he laminated a picture of his dick.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
