nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize