he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
