Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
