I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
