My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
