I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
