There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
