Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize