I accidentally had phone sex last night
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
