Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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