I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
