we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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