the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
