I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize