So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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