fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Randomize
