I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
