If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
