He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
